In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize