if you like me you must not know who I am
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I need moral support for this bender
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
