Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
