i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
