He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
