Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
being pregnant is like rehab
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize