names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
