What did we do last night that was yellow?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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