i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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