I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
