A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
