GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
