end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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