somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize