You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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