drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Randomize
