he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
