I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
