i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
