moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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