i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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