I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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