Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
