Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
