Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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