a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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