There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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