Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
