Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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