The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
