So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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