haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
