How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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