I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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