remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize