how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The best revenge is premature balding
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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