So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
