I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
third nipple confirmed
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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