I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
