I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize