if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
