Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize