we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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