Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
