Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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