I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
