So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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