Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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