Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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