You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
