I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
