He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to sanitize my soul.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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