from now on my penis is your penis
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
