The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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