i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
